Sometimes I feel like my blog should be about happy things all the time but life isn't like that and I guess as this is a personal blog maybe I should share with you how I'm feeling lately.
For us in the UK last weekend was a bank holiday . I normally look forward to these but that weekend I went to visit my dad. He lives 160 miles away so I dont see him as often as I'd like. I normally look forward to our get togethers but this particular trip was for a reason. To help my dad sort through his wife's belongings. You see in February she passed away. She lost her second fight against cancer and although we knew she wouldn't win this battle, we thought she had more time.
As much as my dad wanted to keep all of her things, in some ways it can do more harm. Everytime he opened a drawer or a cupboard her items were a reminder that she was no longer here to use them. So he decided it was time to take a step forward. Watching everything put into bags was heartbreaking. Most of her possessions bagged up, ready to be taken away. In some ways it seemed wrong and I felt guilty. Almost as if we were trying to remove all trace of her even though that wasn't the case. It's just one of the many ways to try and move forward. I kept some things. Like the shirt she wore on my 30th birthday. A necklace which reminds me of her. Other things which have sentimental value
I think about my dad constantly and what he must be going through. Every mornng when he opened a wardrobe or a drawer there was always a reminder of the person he lost. Now the empty space is a reminder of what was there. I hope in time the pain will begin to fade.
On the drive back home I felt so angry. Angry that she was taken away and my dad is suffering. That I can't take aways his pain or his loneliness. He didn't just loose his wife. He lost his bestfriend. My anger didn't go away and I struggled to understand my emotions. It wasn't until the Monday that I finally let it out and cried. I spent most of the day in tears but I guess I needed to get it out because grief comes in waves.
For those of you who have never lost someone it's hard for you to imagine how it feels. My dad says it's like living in a nightmare. I know eventually the pain will subside and he'll be able to remember the good times. He'll be able to look at her photo and smile but as the old saying goes, time's a healer, I just wish I had a time machine.
I lost my mum 8 years ago so I know hurt like you are experiencing! But it will get better, easier, calmer, brighter! You just have to take each day at a time and enjoy it for what it is. And if you cry, then cry, and if you laugh then laugh. And suddenly you will find yourself living again with the most beautiful memory of someone so precious!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so honest, so sorry for your loss, but hang in there, the sun will come out!
Pop over to my blog sometime too: http://www.dottypinkdesigns.blogspot.com
Love
Amy
x
Hey Amy, I'm so sorry to hear about you loosing your mum Thank you for taking the time to write on my blog. It really helps reading other peoples experiences and emotions so thank you for sharing. x
DeleteI've lost loved ones too and it's the most awful, empty feeling. Your dad is so fortunate to have you to help him through this difficult time. It sounds like you knew exactly what to do and say to make the transition easier for him. I'm sure he really appreciates that.
ReplyDeleteThis is your blog and that means you get to say or do whatever you feel like doing. :) It's great to be happy as much as possible, but it's also important to express sorrow or loss or grief. You did a beautiful job here. :)
Thank you Sue, that means a lot as sometimes I feel like I'm not saying/doing the right thing. As guess as long as I'm there for him that's the main thing.
DeleteIt felt good to write my thoughts down. I suppose it's a way of releasing some emotion. Thank you :)
I'm so sorry you had to go through these really depressing moments. It's no time or place to auction about the lost loved ones... But when my great-grandmother died at the age of 99, I realized that death exists in every person's life at one time or another and we just can't make the fact different... All we have to do is to learn to move on, as They would love us to do. This is what I wish for you and your Dad, to learn to live along with just warm memories.
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